Telford

Update on 13th August 2011 — Okay, fair enough…some of you have taken offense at the smarmy tone of this post. I’m sure you will all feel vindicated by this ‘proper’ press article: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/08/13/edl-to-gather-in-telford_n_926111.html

Telford is a shit hole.  There’s no two ways about it, and that’s a shame because for a new city it has avoided a lot of the architectural and city-planning gaffes that make Milton Keynes such a shit hole.  Telford has its share of run down council housing but nothing too dangerous looking; moreover, it has large neighborhoods filled with trees and what appears to be decent housing.

They put up a mall and couldn't incorporate this historic chapel, choosing instead to dismantle it and put it in a playground...tsk

So, what makes it so shitty?  Ah, the people do and they seem proud of the fact.  If there was any demand for a restaurant that served anything other than a carvery with a buffet of slimy, overcooked vegetables (even by English standards) then we wouldn’t have spent two hours driving around looking for a place to eat.  Even the chippies and kebab places were shuttered as if awaiting a riot.

Finally, we spotted a Greene King pub and while the food isn’t great at these, they serve it hot, cheap, and with beer; unless you are in Dawley, Telford and the signs showing the food that draw you in didn’t mention that the kitchen closed sometime before 8pm when you arrived.  Granted, the blokes were helpful, directing us back to a mall Wetherspoons on a Friday night (I knew it was a bad idea to start, but I really wanted to see just how bad…and maybe I’d be wrong and could get a plate of pasta and a beer).  Before we set off to the Wetherspoons fiasco, we did note one progressive sign on the wall of the pub:

The Wetherspoons was adjacent to an ASDA grocery store but it should probably be renamed ASBO, from the swarms of drunken teenagers hanging about.  It has been a long time since I’ve seen that many white trash kids in one place…back home it would usually only happen when a Molly Hatchett tribute band was in town, or the carnival (everyone wants to go see their daddy if his tou comes near enough, don’t they?).  And, the girls…obviously they spent all the money from their pole dancing tips on eye makeup because there wasn’t enough left to buy a skirt to cover their cooters (bless ’em)…or maybe they just needed to air out their genitals, it’s really hard to be certain.

NOT a Telford shop window

The Wetherspoons had bouncers that let us through but the place was 8 deep at the bar (where we would have ordered food or at least a round as it was going to be worth it to watch one or two of the inevitable fights that was imminent).  Instead, we just went to the ASDA and got some sandwich makings and headed back to the hotel room.

Mmmm...the healthy choice for supper

The next morning, I went for a nice run through the area to see, up close, what sort of environment was responsible for producing this many miscreants which thrives merely on copious quantities of alcopops and anonymous sex (hey, not that there’s anything wrong with it…I was young once too; but 1) you’d have to substitute “powerful psychedelics” for alcopops, 2) to this day I only tolerate, very well thank you, but not thrive on, large volumes of alcohol, and 3) I’ve always needed an occasional pizza or other nourishment).

Trotting over the streets glistening with vomit and broken glass, I was surprised at the lack of graffiti.  I can only suspect that the Telford Town Council has somehow found a way of channeling this undesirable behaviour:

There were some pleasantly wooded trails, and I only was a little shocked when I saw the first female condom I have seen in years, this one in Telford slag-size:

So if you’ve never been to Telford I hope you found this informative but I do encourage you to investigate it for yourselves.  A good source are the Telford pages on another blog I frequent, with one example here, and another, less well written one here.  Cheers.