First thing Christmas morning it must be Egg Nog. Okay, more often it is a Bloody Mary made with a beef stock base, but that’s medicinal. We went light this year and as a throwback to my childhood I made the Egg Nog recipe I grew up with. This is not a good Christmas memory from way back when…none of them are. But, the recipe is tight, and you should try it.
Okay, here’s the recipe but with some of the memories attached (my childhood was not your childhood):
Whisk together some eggs and milk. ‘Use the milk from the dairy, boy. The top part with the cream.’
.. okay for this part one big serving takes two eggs, 1/3 cup milk, and 1/3 cup cream; if you have a cow, let the milk settle and take the top couple inches off a gallon after it settles, and a couple of eggs (scale up as necessary, keep the milk to cream ratio about 1-to-1)..
Once foamy but not solid, slowly add 1/3 cup sugar and an Italian’s pinch of salt (not an Italian’s pinch OF SALT but and ITALIAN’S PINCH of salt or about 1/6 tsp) and continue to whisk until still not firm (this is not a meringue, Boy).
This part is critical. It doesn’t have to be rum. It can be bourbon or straight Canadian or even Bushmill’s straight whiskey but it should be 80 proof (40% abv, even vodka works). The idea is that the booze is drinkable and disables the bacteria native to the eggs–it ‘cooks’ the eggs but if it actually cooks the eggs it is ruined; you have to add it slow enough that the alcohol doesn’t cause the protein to denature–an art but not a high art–and then, once fully incorporated set the goo in the fridge for twenty to thirty minutes to finish the biocidal effects. Anyway, slowly whisk 1/3 cup (or more, go ahead, do more it won’t kill you or the guest…trust me, it never kills the fuckers) into the mixture; slowly…do you hear me? SLOWLY so the egg proteins don’t solidify; you can’t go too slowly but you can go too fast. Okay, if everyone is in a hurry (“ME NEED SUGAR, BOOZE, PROTEIN”) it can be too slow but the only way to make this edible is patience.
This is harder than you might think especially if you are successful the first time (…beatings…so many unnecessary beatings…) but really is worth the stress or, should you have avoided the beatings (you pussies) and just lucked into this (you’re welcome) and find it happily awaiting you in a glass, nonjudgemental and smooth and, frankly, a delight then you should scrape a few grindings of nutmeg atop and sip away whilst listening to some delightful Christmas crapola — I would suggest the Flagpole Christmas White Album or one of the Christmas Cocktails line of recordings, but feel free to DeeJay whatever-the-fuck works for you (you’re all at the hospital with salmonella before lunchtime, anyway).
Best to all, sorry if any of this was a bummer (a third cup of booze will be a start on forgetting it, btw). Christmas ain’t Christmas if it ain’t dark. Or, intoxicating.