British Citizenship Exam Prep   7 comments

My initial work visa for the UK.

I just turned in my Visa application and documents for our last year before I become eligible for what is known as Permanent Residency in the States and Indefinite Leave to Remain here   This is my first big step toward citizenship, and involves a test of my knowledge of British Culture (some of which is reproduced here).

Note: I haven’t actually started revising for the test.

Also, answer “b” is always chosen by an American, or a foreigner more suited to America.  It’s “B” for Bugger Off.

Answer “a” is always correct but “c” or “d,” when they appear, are always acceptable.


1. Pint:

a) 20 Imperial ounces (18.2 US ounces)
b) 16 US ounces
c) not enough, matey, not enough

2. Glass:
a) verb, defend oneself OR to attack someone (generally at drinking up time)
b) noun, vitrified sand
c) smallest acceptable unit of whiskey for a man

3. Pants:
a) knickers
b) trousers
c) nonsense

4. Pissed
a) adjective, drunk…badly drunk, y’know, like every weekend
b) verb, past tense, urinated

5. Sorry
a) equivalent to shrieking, “YOU FUCKING PILE OF STEAMING SHITE HOW DARE YOU FORCE ME TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EXISTENCE.” But quietly and reflexively and it really doesn’t mean ANYTHING most of the time.
b) a notification to the recipient that you are culpable and remorseful for an action you are responsible for


6. Your town is ___________.
a) “a bit shit, really.”
b) “the best town in the WORLD!”
c) “Are you looking for a slap, mate?”
d) a & c

I never got a photo of it, but for a few weeks I drove past a sign that said “Welcome to Luton”  which was defaced with spray painted grafitti saying “…you can’t polish a turd”

7. As someone approaches they say, “alright?” You respond:
a) “Alright?”
b) “Yes, I’m fine thanks, how are you?”

8. It’s bleak ________.
a) up North
b) down South
c) on Albert Square

[This one actually happened in front of me and, yes, the correct answers are a & c.]
9. An old man is knocked off his bike by a lorrie in Olney. You offer _______.
a) a cup of tea
b) assistance
c) a large brandy

[This one involves actual top two answers from a poll of Brits.]
10. Aliens land from outer space. You ________.
a) offer to put the kettle on
b) alert the authorities, or fight the things, or run for cover abandoning family, friends and colleagues
c) ask, “alright?”

11. Walking on the pavement [sidewalk], you find yourself on a trajectory that will crash into an oncoming pedestrian. He clocks this and moves to the other side of the pavement to avoid confrontation. You respond by _____________.
a) readjusting your trajectory to crash into this sad bastard…fuck ‘im. Nonce.
b) smiling and acknowledging their courtesy
c) a AND only using peripheral vision to navigate, thus gaining plausible deniability that this was intentional (see VOCABULARY question on “Sorry”)

12. Do you know who Vicky Pollard is?
a) yeahr but no but, yeahr but no but, yeahr but no but, yeahr but no but….
b) who?

Update 2015-06-05: Here’s what eventually happened:

7 responses to “British Citizenship Exam Prep

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  1. Pingback: Swindon Kebab House, Swindon (duh) « The endless British pub crawl

  2. This was an especially funny comment submitted for this post (and added to the SPAMbot):

    “Thank’s for information. It is really helpful for those people who wants to know about British citizenship. For more information about British citizenship can be found at http://________________.___ and also can take part online course of British citizenship”

    Obviously did not read the quiz. Or, maybe this is the sort of training you can expect at the citizenship course. Who knows?

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